I'm a fangirl, a college student, and a writer. Thanks to the Internet, at least 70% of my thoughts now emerge in the form of memes. And pandas. If I post something that makes no sense, it's probably RP related.
How to Show Affection to Your Human
A Guide by Zero T. Cat
- Begin by jumping onto the Human’s lap. This is the optimal affection giving spot, as it gives you ample access to all the important Human parts.
- Proceed with purring loudly and chirping. This clearly communicates your intentions to your Human because, as we all know, they need it spelled out.
- Rub your tail into your Human’s face a few times as you find your optimal position, to keep your Human distracted and amused.
- Once you’ve found your position speak to your Human, make sure you have their attention still.
- Headbutt their chin. Repeat until you have their undivided attention.
- If your nose happens to be a bit cold and moist, use it to your advantage! Rub it on the warm parts of your human to make sure they’re nice and alert. The inside of their arm is a good place.
- Shove your paws into their armpit. It’s nice and toasty in there. (Don’t worry too much about the claws, your Human will only jump a bit.)
- If the Human resists your affection and pushes you off, do not fret! Humans are easy to tame with just a little perseverance. So jump right back on!
- Once your Human seems relaxed and satisfied feel free to get comfortable and go to sleep. But remember to always be ready to give your Human more affection, as they need a lot of attention and will grow restless quickly.
Pilonidal cysts are nature’s way of saying, “Hey, I don’t think you appreciate your butt enough. It cushions you and does all kinds of neat things. So I am going to stick an enormous, infected ball of blood and pus right on top your asscrack, and we can all have a good, hard ponder about butts.”
I am having a pilonidal cyst cut out of me tomorrow, is what I’m saying.